This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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