I can text with my tongue
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
