Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
