I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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