just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
