Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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