he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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