i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
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you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.