im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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