i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
