Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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