i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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