im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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