In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
