it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
