I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I touched a dick in church today
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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