i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
