FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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