i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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