Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
