Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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