why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
