dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
