What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
