last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
