why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
