ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
