the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
