So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
