Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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