I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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