I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
