my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
