a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
