i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
