Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
