Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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