the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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