my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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