I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
