I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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