You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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