um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
MIDGETS
????
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
