My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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