bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
