I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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