I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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