I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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