i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
