if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
