fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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