My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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