happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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