Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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