It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
