Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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