i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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