I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
