had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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