two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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