he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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